Go With The Flow

Just floating along

I was listening to an audio book recently, “Stiring it Up: How to Make Money and Save the World,” by Gary Hirschberg the CEO of Stoneyfield Farms. One thing he said really caught my attention, he likened success in business and life to the principles of Aikido, a Japanese martial art practice. He said, and I am very poorly paraphrasing here, in Aikido you take your opponents energy and rather than resisting it and absorbing it you simply channel it back to them.

I was really intrigued by that comparison so I looked up Aikido, which literally translated means “the way of harmony of the spirit,” it was created so practitioners could defend themselves while also protecting their attacker from injury. I love this! I agree what a marvelous approach to life and business.

Aikido I learned is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on. This requires less physical strength, because it uses the attackers momentum, with the intention of not causing injury to the attacker.

I think this resonated with me because I have likened my philosophy of being in this life with floating along in a river. When I am going with the flow my life is in harmony, when I fight against the flow by trying to swim back to where I have been life takes more energy and I struggle.

I really needed to hear this particularly at this point in my life. I am heading into unchartered waters both personally and professionally. The landscape of my life has changed so drastically I hardly recognize it. My husband’s parents and my parents are all deceased most losses occurred in 2011. Professionally, I sold my company and have a one year non-solicitation clause.  As a result I cannot work in my career field for the next year and interaction with people I used to see everyday, and consider friends, is very limited.

Most of the time, while traversing these uncharted waters, I have my feet firmly pointed downstream and easily going with the flow. However, occasionally I feel pulled to look back, when I do I feel resistance and sometimes struggle to keep my head up. It’s interesting how sometimes I convince myself that the past or what I am familiar with is easier. Nevertheless, if I follow the analogy of Aikido or my own philosophy of a river it’s all about flow and going with the energy rather than resisting it. That translates into continuing on my journey rather than living in the past or swimming ahead in pursuit of some future illusion, both will drain my energy and impair my harmony.

My yoga teacher Jan always reminds us to look to nature when life is difficult. Similar to the seed it does not fret where it lands or struggle to sprout, it simply grows effortlessly where it lands. The seed does not worry about what was or what will be it simply grows in the now.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. – Lao-Tzu

Perception

 

Beautiful to many, ugly to some…….it’s all in your perception

I have noticed how I perceive the world to be better, kinder, and more compassionate than some of my friends and family. It’s not that I am blind to the fact that bad things happen in this world, some bad things have happened to me and people I know. I think it’s that I don’t expect bad things or look for them, if they happen I experience them and then I continue on my path.

Recently as I was boarding a flight the attendant asked us not to sit in the front row, she was holding it for a disabled passenger that had not arrived yet. I found my way to a window seat a few rows back. A man sat down in the aisle seat of the same row, as he was getting settled in he complained about what good is it to have business select if you can’t pick the best available seat. I felt compassion for this man that he was unable to see that a very slight inconvenience for us would make the world of difference for someone who was wheelchair bound. As they closed the door to the plane the person the front row was saved for never showed up. My neighbor then commented again, slightly more peeved than before, that the supposed person never showed up. I suggested to him that he could surely sit there since the door was closed, he quickly declined. I found it extremely interesting that he was so preoccupied by this situation yet would not take advantage of sitting where he seemed to want to when the opportunity presented.

I let that thought pass as do many fleeting thoughts of observation I experience each day. So I went back to reading the newspaper, once I finished it I placed it in the seat between us, I noticed my new airplane neighbor was looking at it, trying to read it sideways. I said, “please take it I am finished with it”, he was a little apprehensive at first stating something about people not liking other people touching their paper, but he ultimately obliged and read it.

At the end of our flight we heard the usual message to put our seats in the upright position, tray tables locked etc…at that point my new neighbor very awkwardly expressed his gratitude for sharing the newspaper. I was thrilled to see this softening that occurred and silently hoped my small gesture of sharing would help him perceive things differently.

I believe when we perceive things to be a certain way we will look for evidence to support our belief. By that I mean, if you believe the world is full of selfish or vicious people you will unconsciously look for this kind of individual to support your way of thinking. I also believe you will attract this kind of person to you. Some people are uncomfortable with thinking in terms of the energy waves you emit will attract similar energy waves to you, I do happen to believe that, but let’s look at it another way. If you are a snarky or negative person and you see someone who perhaps offers a compassionate explanation of a situation that vexed you, how do you feel about that? Many “negative nelly-like” people will discount the positive person and find someone who will commiserate and agree with them and their negative line of thinking. Have you heard of the saying “misery loves company”?

I see this happening all the time. Does this mean I think every bad thing that happens people have attracted it, no, that is not what I am saying. However, I think we all know people who are consistently steeped in drama, conflict or misery. My husband knew a man who had so many lawsuits going on that his attorney maintained a separate file cabinet just for his cases. Perhaps that is an extreme example but I think you understand who I am talking about.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying something to the effect that we can live our life thinking nothing is a miracle or that everything is a miracle, this is a testament to perception and perception is our choice.

Remember dear readers the choice is yours how you choose to perceive your world, just take your cue from Dr. Suess:

“In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!”
― Dr. Suess

Gratitude to our Ancestors

I shall teach you little one

As I was scurrying around the house preparing to leave for vacation I had my Native American flute in my hand, I did not want to forget it. It was actually quite cumbersome and awkward carrying it around but I did not dare set it down. You see I begin every day by humbly thanking my ancestors for the gift of the flute and after my prayer of gratitude I play and then  I meditate. It is the cornerstone of my morning well-being practice.

As we climbed out of the car after the 45 minute drive to the airport I could not find my flute. Panic set in that perhaps I left it somewhere it could be damaged or worst did I leave it on the back bumper as I was loading luggage. I found out later I set it down in the house it was safe, thank goodness, but it wasn’t with me. I was crestfallen, the thought of not having it was too uncomfortable to stay with for very long I had to let it go.

I truly believe everything is divinely guided so I trusted that I was not supposed to have it, although I could not conceive why. I tried not to think about it and be present to the journey our family was on to visit our relatives who live far away.

The trip was quite an adventure, we encountered weather and had to spend the night in Atlanta. My husband and kids were agitated and letting me and everyone know their degree of agitation. While waiting in line for at least 30 minutes for the airlines customer service to help us, I was standing behind an elderly woman I would come to find out later she was Dorothy from Savannah.  The batteries in Dorothy’s hearing aids died and she could not hear a thing. A representative from the airline was walking through the line and told Dorothy to go to the next available phone along the wall to get assistance. I heard Dorothy tell the lady she could not understand her because she could not hear, to my shock the lady walked away from Dorothy. I stood in absolute dismay watching this unfold before me. My first thought was for Dorothy and how helpless she must have felt my second thought was for the  young lady, I felt an overwhelming sense of pain for her. I could not understand how a young person could disrespect an elder in such a way.

I tapped Dorothy on the shoulder and shouted to her I would help her I would be her ears on the phone. After several phone calls both on Dorothy’s and our behalf I realized we all would be spending the night in Atlanta. I asked Dorothy if she would like to stay at the same hotel with us and we could ride the shuttle together. I could feel the relief she felt knowing we would all be going together. I booked rooms for us all and we found our way to the shuttle. We arranged for Dorothy to get new batteries for her hearing aids and she called her family who was panic-striken not knowing what had happened to her. Then my daughter and I had supper with Dorothy. My son and husband were too worn out and wanted us to bring something back to them in the room.

We had a lovely visit with Dorothy learning all about her wonderful life. She was on her way to Milwaukee to spend the holidays with her daughter. She was so excited to see her daughter and spoke very fondly of her entire family especially her grandchildren.

I guess I was still speaking in a high volume because of Dorothy’s faulty hearing aids from earlier in the day, because a gentleman at the table next to us who was by himself, and was also stranded, overheard our conversation. He sent a pizza to our table and apologized for eavesdropping but he said “please take this to your husband and son,” I want to buy their supper. We asked Mark to join us at our table and thanked him. He said he began to realize from our conversation that we did not know each other and that we adopted Dorothy and he wanted to do something to thank us in return.

How wonderful! So my daughter delivered the pizza to our hotel room for the boys and came back and we all sat and visited for at least another hour. The waitress at the hotel overheard our story and knowing Mark bought us a pizza and she gave us a round of drinks on the house. We all retired to our rooms, I made sure the front desk arranged for Dorothy to get back to the airport for her flight the next day and I gave her my cell phone number in case she ran into trouble. We were leaving a very early flight and Dorothy’s left in the afternoon so she did not want to get up that early and ride the shuttle back with us. We all bid each other a goodnight and like ships passing in the night I knew I would probably not see them again.

That morning as we were getting packed up to head back to the airport I told my family we were going to say a short prayer for Dorothy so she had a comfortable and safe trip to Milwaukee, without a single word of protest everyone joined in prayer. I hope my children never walk away from an elder in need as they walk their path in this life, but I know this knowledge must be taught and must be modeled at home.

When we arrived I met my auntie, she asked me if I could play her Native American flute on Christmas eve for the family. I could not believe it, I had no idea she had a flute! It was my little Christmas miracle. I loved playing her flute it was wonderful. The whole family was making music together. I believe the great spirit gave me the opportunity to practice what I pray, to give me the opportunity to truly honor and humble myself before my ancestors and elders to understand the gift of this flute that has been passed down to us.

My brother joined us here last night he could not come out until Christmas day, as he walked out from the gate area at the airport he was carrying my flute!!!!!! This morning I woke up and gave thanks to my ancestors and could feel their energy surround me as I played my flute. I honor their wisdom and thank them for this life.

If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is represented in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people. – Thich Nhat Hanh.

Return to Our Roots and Connect

There has been so much discussion about the tragedy in Connecticut and who or what is to blame. I think if we can blame someone or something we believe it helps bring order to this state of confusion. I think we all know it is a complex problem with no easy solutions. I noticed as I was looking at the spelling of the state of Connecticut that the first letters spell “connect” and last letters spell “cut”. I believe that understanding the importance of connection is the beginning of the solution. We have cut our connection in this society. Regardless of your lineage we all are descendants of tribal society. We have strayed far from our tribal roots. I say “we” because I know I have.

In tribal society everyone depends upon each other for their very survival. We talk about all our modern advancements and yes these things have made life easier. We need to see what we have lost in all these advancements we have lost our connection. We longer see the need for each other to survive. Perhaps we don’t need each other for our food and shelter like our tribal ancestors did but we do need each other for our spiritual survival.

I read in the newspaper this morning, a neighbor who lived two doors down from the young man who killed all those beautiful children and teachers, he said he did not know the family at all. This is not surprising we are living in neighborhoods for years, our homes, where we dwell, and we do not know our neighbors. It is so easy to do, we are busy, so busy, our kids are busy, we no longer make the time to connect with our neighbors. I see people running from this function to that function they might have three engagements to run kids to and from in one evening after school and I wonder what are they seeking for their kids for themselves.

When I was growing up in South Dakota I played every sport offered and the ones I was not playing in I was cheerleading. I do not remember running around like kids do today. I practiced after school for an hour and then walked home and still had plenty of time to play with the neighbor kids before suppertime. I do not remember this hectic schedule and pace of kids today, its crazy enough adults are going at this pace but we are now inflicting this craziness on our children. I believe our kids need to connect with each other and with nature, these are the skills they need to survive. They need to climb trees, run barefoot in the grass and they need to know their neighbors. They need to feel connected and they need to learn to connect with others.

I have a neighbor who is so deeply rooted in connection she has literally dragged me along for the ride. I thank her and bless her, it is because of her I can say I know my neighbors. Some I know more than others, but I know my neighbors. Knowing my neighbors helped me grow spiritually and it has helped me survive. Because I know my neighbors we ask each other for help when we need it, we share our burdens. We care for each others kids, we take care of each others animals, we bring dinner to each other when we are sick, we comfort each other during loss. The most important impact of knowing my neighbors, I care about them, I have a better understanding of what they are going through and I love them. Do we always get along? Of course not, its human nature to have differences but those difference are easier to work out when you are already connected and communicate.

Am I saying if that neighbor had known that young man it would have changed the outcome, no, what I am saying is that if we are going to thrive as a society we need to go back to our tribal roots and start caring about each other. My neighbor’s struggle is my struggle, my neighbor’s joy is my reason to celebrate. If we connect with each other and care about each other at home, where we dwell, we create a community, a tribe.

One thing that seems to be a common denominator in all these shootings is the perpetrator tends to be male and is very often identified as a loner. When a single family has to bear the burden of a tormented or challenged soul it can be too much. If a family is supported by a community that burden is shared. Our boys need strong honorable male role models, if that person does not dwell in your home that person could be next door or likely in your neighborhood. Our boys need connection, they need understanding, they need help expressing themselves, as boys do, physically without causing harm to others.

I cannot judge this situation from so far away. I can only share what I believe to be a problem we must address for our very survival. We are so busy being angry at each other because all we see are differences and that makes us afraid. Most of the things we do not agree on are manifestations of modern society. I believe if you take two people who are on completely opposite sides of gun control, political parties, abortion or any other divisive topic and you discuss love, those differences fade away and connection is born. Who is not in favor of love? Who does not want to be loved? Who does not have love within them? You see, the things we are debating they are a red herring, a distraction, from what is so and what we really need to see. What we need to see, discuss and manifest is connection. We need to begin where we live, connect with your neighbors, go back to your tribal roots, with connection a bond is created and from there love will grow. I know it will not solve all our problems but it is a start and it is something we are all capable of doing.

My heart is heavy for the profound loss in Connecticut, their loss is our loss. I pray for the families and I pray for all of us so we can connect and possibly help the other tortured souls out there and avoid this kind of tragedy from happening again.

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” – Herman Melville

My “Special” Purpose

The Sun-The Image for Place & Purpose

I was asked the other day what I thought my purpose was, immediately my warped mind flashed to the scene from the movie  The Jerk, where Steve Martin’s character screams about discovering what his special purpose is for, I wished it was so easy and fun for me to figure out my special purpose! It was difficult for me to answer because first I was visualizing a scene from a goofy movie and second I have always associated a person’s purpose with their job title and right now I have no job title.

I have entered a new stage in my life, for the last 30 years I have held a full-time job. About three months ago, I decided, after a lot of soul-searching that my existing situation was not supporting my well-being and I needed to make a change, so I set in motion a series of events. To cut to the chase as they say, the end result is that I no longer have my job. I will tell you this wasn’t my initial intent, to lose my job, when I started this process. But that isn’t necessarily true, because my real intent was to honor my well-being and make a change that supported that end. I felt I knew what result would accomplish that, however, as I have come to appreciate and trust, the universe or the creator knew better than I what would accomplish that end. I can honestly say I trust this is what is best and have continued on with no regrets.

That does not mean it has been the easiest transition, like a pair of ill-fitting underwear that rides up every now and then I get that uncomfortable feeling and need to make adjustments until things feel better again. This whole situation has me looking at how I used to believe a person’s value was determined. I have many old ideas that I need to unlearn.

I have struggled about things like how do I handle social situation where business cards are commonly exchanged? I no longer carry business cards that show I have a home in the working world. It may sound silly but that has caused a great deal of consternation for me. Get some damn cards, your probably saying it’s not that difficult, you can print them at home for heaven’s sake. Then the question I ask myself is, what do I put on the card? I have always been an engineer but I am not working as an engineer and I have a non-compete period of one year where I cannot work as an engineer. So should I put writer or blogger? That feels a little presumptuous just because I am writing a blog and a book, I am a novice, I have not been formally trained in writing. How would I feel if someone decided to put engineer on their card with no formal training or education? I could put nothing but my name, no title, no company. Ahhhh what if I put no title? That is where I get a little wobbly and wonder what does that mean about me?

When I was in my 20s there was a show called Quantum Leap, it was a great show. It was about a brilliant physicist that time travels randomly through a series of mishaps into other people’s bodies. He maintains his intrinsic abilities but finds himself in a foreign host each week, trying to navigate situations with his essence in tact but his outward appearance completely changed. He has been a woman, a chimpanzee, a kid, I know it sounds bizarre but it was a fascinating storyline. I feel a little bit like the character Sam Beckett, however, instead of my physical appearance changing it is my  surroundings. I no longer go to an office and contribute to the office community that was so integral to my life for the past 30 years. I am still me but the scenery has changed drastically.

So I come back to my life coach Lynn asking me “Marsia, what is your purpose?” So like a life coach to ask such a question. I ranted a bit and told her how lucky she is that she obviously found her purpose, life coaching, she is an amazing life coach, although during my rant she may have questioned that?? Our friend Jan founded the wellness center Stillpointe and she absolutely glows when she talks about the work being done out there, it is obvious she is where she needs to be, doing what her purpose is. My good friend John Two-Hawks, when I hear him play the flute, sing or play the guitar there is no question what his purpose is and that he is fulfilling it. I told her I look at all three of them with a great deal of admiration but also some envy because I know they are doing exactly what the creator designed for them.

She looked at me with so much compassion and said “Marsia being a life coach is not a purpose, it is the vehicle I use to live my purpose.” What?????? So basically my whole concept of self-worth was turned upside down with that one statement. I felt like the guy in the movie Animal House when he was smoking pot with his professor and he realizes he could be an atom in the fingernail of a giant. The idea was so simple and yet so freakin’ mind-blowing at the same time. I could hear my inner voice saying – it’s not the title stupid! So I had an epiphany that day, the title, the role is only a catalyst or a vehicle your purpose rides in to get to its destination.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it helped me to understand my purpose. When I watch my kids figure out the value of money by saving for a toy they want, or dealing with their teacher regarding a disputed grade on their own, it fills me with immense joy. The same joy I felt when I worked with a young engineer and taught them a new concept and then watched them handle the next project on their own. I realized that regardless of my “job” as mom, engineer, wife, friend, sister, I experience this amazing sense of joy and fulfillment when I am doing two things regardless of my title at that time. When I am connecting with others on a deeper level and when I inspire others to be great. So my purpose you see has nothing to do with the title on a card, it could be anything as long as I am connecting and inspiring.

I could not see my purpose because I was too focused on me, what it meant to me, how it made me look. Once I took myself out of the equation and saw everyone else and how to serve them, my purpose was clear.

A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.” –Victor Frankl

In Honor of all our Service Members this Veteran’s Day

Our Service Members Deserve the Best

Yesterday we celebrated my brother’s birthday. I love my brother we have an inexplicably tight connection that I would not even dare to try to explain with words, they would fall short. As part of his celebration last night we did what we invariably do, because his birthday is the day before Veteran’s Day we discussed veterans, particularly the veterans in our family. We honor them and remember their sacrifice.

This Veteran’s Day has been more prominent in our thoughts because we lost two veterans very dear to us last year, we lost my dad who served in the Navy and our friend Colton an Army Soldier and war veteran. Both men, sadly, were let down by the very military institution that are tasked with taking care of them, albeit in very different ways, but the end result was the same. I want to be very clear I wholeheartedly support our military men and women. The intent of my words here are to inspire a change in the system that provides care to our military members so it matches the level of care they deserve. I want to inspire action to support our military.

My Dad and our family was let down by the VA who are tasked with providing health care to our veterans. The VA treated my Dad for over a year following an “infection” before realizing that in fact he had cancer. We will never know if that year would have made the difference in his survival. Being the tough Navy man that he was, he fought valiantly for two years before the cancer took his life. My Dad lived a great life, while we feel he was cheated on time, he was able to see his children grow up, he met all his grandchildren and they know him, he experienced some great adventures and had a wonderful loving wife by his side for much of it. Colton, however, was only 25 years old and in the absolute prime of his life, his life was just beginning.

Even though Colton was a mere 25 years old his accomplishments are incredible. I could write a blog about this young man’s achievements alone and here are some highlights; a state and national champion in high school wrestling, a cowboy who competed in bareback, saddle bronc and bull riding, and in support of America’s War on Terror during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom, SGT Derr, US Army 1st Division, completed over 500 combat missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

My last memory of Colton shows his amazing humanity and compassion. Days before he had to report to duty he promised to come over to a friend’s house and play his video games for him, you see our friend Jarret could no longer play them himself, Jarret has Duchenne muscular dystrophy, and it is slowly paralyzing him. Jarret only lets a select few play his games while he watches, Colton was one of those special people. I just happened to be at Jarret’s when Colton stopped by, I remember hugging Colton when I left and I told him to be safe. When I said that I imagined the danger he faced was from an enemy force firing weapons at him, not a misguided leader he served under.

Colton reported for his third combat tour last April, it was to be his second tour in Afghanistan and he knew something was not right, he was struggling. He told the “correct” people at the Army base where he was about to deploy from about his struggles and feelings and the medical expert he consulted decided he should NOT deploy. We all, especially his family, wish that was how this story ended. However, what happened next was the medical expert was overruled by a commanding officer, this misguided leader determined Colton was to be deployed.

That night I imagine the demons unleashed by his prior combat experience, which he was trying to battle being the great soldier he was, became too much for him to bear. Colton ended his life that night. Can you possibly imagine a young man who was tough and brave enough to win a national wrestling title, to ride bucking bulls, to go out on 500 combat missions, can you imagine what he must have been going through before taking his own life? I can’t and I feel sick and overwhelmed whenever I go there. I think about how I could have handled this and know there is no way I could, I am not as tough and brave as Colton. And some leader in our military decided they knew more than the experts, they knew more than Colton, and after this brave soldier spoke up decided to send him back to the very hell he could not escape even here at home. Colton unfortunately was forced to make a decision he should not have been put in a position to make. We now know he suffered with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a result of his combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

My Dad’s and Colton’s stories are not isolated incidents. Which brings me to the intent of this blog – to inspire; inspire anyone willing to stand up for our service members, to inspire anyone in our military institution to act with the same honor our soldiers, sailors, marines, air force and coast guard show us everyday, to inspire any of our leaders to acknowledge the system is broken and badly in need of repair, to inspire those same leaders to make meaningful change and to inspire compassion for all. We need to serve our military members with the same loving care and dedication they show all of us.

In my humble opinion, I believe our military institutions have lost their way with respect to taking care of their own. I imagine the mission has eclipsed all other responsibilities; such as the responsibility of preserving the well-being and health of these men and women who are being asked to sacrifice more and more. You cannot sacrifice the most important resource of our fighting force, the people. The human beings who are ceding everything, including their own precious lives so I can sit here in comfort and type these words, so my kids can play with reckless abandon in our neighborhood, so we all can sleep at night knowing an enemy is not going to attack our freedom without a fight.

According to some military historians our current fighting force is slowly making history by serving in combat longer than almost any U.S. Soldiers in our nations past. And it has taken its toll on these magnificent men and women. This is evidenced by a dubious milestone recently reached, the Army reported the highest suicide rate this past July since records have been kept on this awful statistic. I do not want to just report dreadful statistics and tragic stories I want to inspire action, action to support our service members and aging veterans so we are providing the support and care they deserve.  Not because we are shamed into doing so, that we are doing so because our compassion inspires us to recognize it is the right thing to do.

You would think a compassionate and grateful nation would recognize the increasing sacrifice we are asking of our military and respond with providing exceptional care and the trend has in fact shown the opposite. Our veterans are receiving substandard care from an aging system that is ill-equipped or prepared to handle our veterans. We are blessed with medical advances that have drastically increased post injury survival rates during war. However, we have not invested in the system that will care for them once they return home. We can do better and we need to do better.

Which brings me back to my brother he wanted to devote his occupational therapy skills to helping veterans returning from war. My brother has a real gift of healing and helping, and he is an occupational therapist. His decision to help our wounded warriors would be with a personal sacrifice, it would be a significant cut in pay but he did not care he is passionate about helping our wounded warriors. Unfortunately, he has been turned down every step of the way. He was told he is too old to join the military, any branch, and has not been able to get a job through the VA, he is overqualified. I think our veterans deserve to be treated by someone overqualified and whose passion is to heal our warriors.

Colton’s family has established a “SGT Colton Levi Derr Memorial Fund” at First Interstate Bank – PO Box 98, New Underwood, SD 57761. The money raised will be used to help veterans by lobbying for change in the policies related to members who suffer from PTSD. The family is the process of establishing a non-profit foundation in Colton’s name for this cause. Colton’s dad is a dear friend of our family and a fierce defender of his family and for what is right, I assure you if anyone can and will create a better system to care for our veterans he will be the catalyst for that change.

If you are not inclined to give to this cause or do not have the financial resources to give, consider the gift of your time. Help out a veteran or help a family who has a loved one deployed. Show you care, our service members old and young have given so much and need to know we care, that we honor their sacrifice, that we see them, and we acknowledge them. If you see poor care at a Veterans hospital speak up challenge them to provide the care our members deserve. If you see a service member struggling reach out it could be the lifeline they need to carry on. Go to your local VA hospital and reach out to a vet that needs to know someone gives a damn about them. Just show up and do what you can.

It is with immense humility and gratitude that I thank all our service members and their families not only on this Veteran’s Day but everyday. I acknowledge your sacrifice and honor your service. Bless you all.

“We sleep safely at night because rough men stand ready to visit violence on those who would harm us.” ― Winston Churchill

The Beauty and Balance of the Circle

I noticed yesterday while I was meeting with a person I had just met for the first time how our connections with people are like a series of Venn Diagrams. Do you remember doing those in school?  You would have a series of things and you would draw a circle then list a set of things you would then draw another circle and list a second set of things and where the circles intersected you would list those things common to both sets of data. It’s about common ground and connection.

As I was sitting there with my new acquaintance I was very aware of how many of our circles intersected, business experience, fishing, leadership philosophy, and current business status. As I drove home from our breakfast meeting I also noticed how the duration of our connection with people are also like a Venn Diagram, we have all heard the saying you know people for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Well in a Venn Diagram way I was thinking how with some people your circles may barely touch, those are the people you see as part of your day but perhaps there is not a meaningful connection, maybe they are checking you out at the grocery store, you experience each other and are inexplicably connected at that moment in time, however, once it passes you may not cross paths again. Then there are people in your life where your circles are solidly connected, your family is a good example, your kids, your parents, your spouse. What is fascinating to me are the people you meet who fall in between those two extremes.

Yesterday was a great example, I am meeting this person and I see the common ground we have, yet I am not sure what will happen with time, will our circles intersect? Perhaps and to what degree, right now its part of the great mystery. I have learned not to force these things anymore and to let things unfold in a more natural way. Not to say I sit back and do nothing but rather I understand my intention and purpose in life; connection and inspiration and while in action things will grow from there just as effortlessly as a seed sprouts.

This past weekend I experienced a beautiful connection involving my daughter and her grandparents. It was an amazing and unexpected intersection of circles that evolved genuinely and naturally.

I love the symbolism of the circle it has no beginning and no end. It’s no mistake that I had this epiphany of the Venn Diagram image and connection to life, I attended the Mending Medicine retreat last weekend facilitated by John Two-Hawks. John shared with us how to live a balanced and more harmonious life and used many examples from his Lakota culture particularly the Medicine Wheel or the Sacred Hoop. John pointed out that most indigenous people around the world have a Medicine Wheel or Sacred Hoop image as a core part of their belief system. He also pointed out how modern thinking has gradually developed into a linear system of thinking, which requires a hierarchy, in other words rather than sitting down as equals we have created a system where someone is always above or below the other.

As an engineer I am profoundly aware of the balance of a circle versus a linear design and find it very interesting that as a society, we have “evolved” in such a way that we have actually moved farther away from the perfection that nature has revealed to us and created a system that is more and more out of balance and out of harmony. It’s so simple yet it’s not easy.

I had the wonderful opportunity to celebrate a good friend’s birthday last night, as we all enjoyed each others company we could not help but discuss the current event unfolding, the national election. We discussed the current tumultuous state of our political system and how can we create more harmony among our leaders. So much valuable energy is being wasted on discord. She said the system is such that people from each party sit across the aisle from each other when in reality they should be sitting next to each other. She suggested a seating chart organized by States or an alphabetical seating chart but democrats and republicans would sit side by side. She also said they should break bread with each other and often. She said it sounds so simple but felt very confident this would lead to a more balanced and harmonious approach to governing our country. She basically described creating a circle rather than the current linear system or approach, where one feels superior to the other. So beautiful!

I believe we all have the knowledge within us to know what will create balance and harmony, the choice is ours to listen to our inner wisdom or to succumb to the external influences that drown out the ancient wisdom we all carry inside us.

As you go through your day notice the circles in your life, where you have disharmony or imbalance let the circle inspire you to create harmony and balance.

You have noticed that everything an Indian does is in a circle, and that is because the Power of the World always works in circles, and everything tries to be round….. The Sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball, and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nest in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours….

Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. – Black Elk, Oglala Lakota Sioux Wichasha Wakan

Do you choose joy or stress?

Life is so groovy mom!!

“You have, within you, the power to create a life of joy, abundance, and health, or you have the same ability to create a life filled with stress, fatigue, and disease. With very few exceptions, the choice is yours.” — Christiane Northrup, MD

I recently discovered Dr. Christiane Northrup through another great community I am connected with the Himalayan Institute. Dr. Northrup is a champion for women’s health and believes we are the key to our well-being, how empowering! Rather than thinking we are victims of unknown forces, she believes we have a say in the matter.

As I travel my path in this life I have made major changes, the most profound changes have been my relationship with my well-being and in return I have been blessed with an abundance of peace and health as a result. I have also been blessed with awareness especially awareness of others who seem to be struggling with the same problem I had, which was the mistaken idea that by sacrificing my own well-being and taking care of everyone else first, was the road to sainthood. I found out it’s actually the road to insanity.

I personally saw my mother and my grandmother always do for everyone else first and take care of themselves last. So this way of being was etched deeply into my DNA and well as environmentally reinforced. This way of being is further fortified as a mother taking care of very young children they cannot feed themselves or take care of themselves they rely on you completely. We must remember though as mothers our job as they grow is to teach them to take care of themselves, have their own experiences, learn from their own struggles, experience their own joy.

I remember when I started working with Lynn Erlinger my ontological coach and she  stressed managing my well-being, at first even trying to carve out time to get enough sleep every night was a real challenge for me. I was a TV junkie, mainly because I was exhausted but still wanted to spend time with my kids, so we would watch TV together. My TV addiction was further strengthened while caring for my dying father it was the only pleasure he had left while he was bedridden so we would watch hours and hours of TV together.

Lynn had me create a well-being checklist for my day, my week and my month. I listed those things that I knew if I did on a daily, weekly or monthly basis which supported my well-being, and in turn supported my mental and physical health. When I first started my well-being checklist I had things like this on it; getting at least 7 hours of sleep 5 days a week, flossing my teeth, yoga at least once a week, getting a massage once a month, intimacy with my husband, exercise, journaling, drinking 64 oz of water each day, and eating healthy meals at regular times. All the things that I knew if I did them and did them regularly I felt good. One thing that I began to understand is during times when I felt very anxious and little things would send me spiraling into panic, anger or anxiety, Lynn instructed me to check in with my well-being checklist, without fail every time my well-being had been neglected. I could get pretty nutty when my well-being was on the back burner.

This whole idea of taking care of myself was so uncomfortable to me, what would people think, my gosh a good woman sacrifices for everyone around them after all, so I even put a code name on my calendar so the people at my office did not know I was getting a massage. I wanted it to appear I was at an evening business appointment. I laugh about it now and my massage therapist at Stillpointe knows my code name for her which I still use as a reminder of how far I have come. I felt getting a massage was an over the top indulgence rather than a well-being practice. Massage not only helps with stress, it helps with a variety of the body systems like the lymphatic system which both delivers nutrients to the cells and carries away excess water, cellular waste, bacteria, viruses and toxins. So massage is not just an indulgence it is a vital part of my well-being plan.

I went from being a couch potato to running a marathon and running is part of my exercise routine now along with yoga three times a week and healthy eating. I am proud to say I went to a nutrition coach, Eileen Vollmer to help me with healthy meal preparation for my family and healthy eating habits. I do not consider it a diet just a new way of life and I lost 15 pounds and feel great.

As I stated earlier I am acutely aware of others who are in this same pattern of sacrificing their own well-being and tending to everyone else in their life first. I needed the nudge from Lynn to see this for myself and I hope that someone reading this will receive their nudge. I see people, mainly women but men also, who are rushing around everyday filling their day with appointments, commitments, activities and deadlines, and their well-being practices have to be crammed in around all of that, rather than the other way around. We have become a society that reinforces and praises the rat on the wheel approach to life. When in reality for us to truly evolve as a human race we need to slow down, our brains function better, our creativity is increased, our goodwill towards others is fostered. When you are racing through your day anyone that slows your progress is an irritant. When you are consciously experiencing all that has been put in your path you see these moments when you have to slow down and observe as blessings not curses.

Here is what putting well-being as a top priority can do for you, it lowers the production of the stress hormone cortisol; which is linked to hypertension, depletion of energy and increased susceptibility of infectious disease. Here’s what putting my well-being first did for me; I have increased energy, little things no longer set me off, my kids have actually told me I am a nicer mommy now, my kids are healthier because I have the energy to make healthy meals and engage in outdoor activities with them, my husband and I have a healthier and more intimate marriage. The most important thing that putting my own well-being as a top priority is that I am setting a healthy lesson for my children, family and friends and breaking the cycle of the sanctity of self-sacrifice.

So my friends as Dr. Northrup so magnificently states, the choice is yours; do you want a life  filled with joy, abundance and health or stress, fatigue and disease.  Please do not fool yourself into believing anything else except that the choice is yours and yours alone.

 “If you’d like to know what your choices have been, look at yourself and the life you have lived. What you see is the choices you’ve made.” – Dr. Shad Helmstetter

The Gift of Suffering

I recently read this quote by Eckart Tolle – “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could spare them from all suffering?  No, it wouldn’t.  They would not evolve as human beings and would remain shallow, identified with the external form of things.  Suffering drives you deeper.  The paradox is that suffering is caused by identification with form and erodes identification with form.  A lot of it is caused by the ego, although eventually suffering destroys the ego–but not until you suffer consciously.”

I immediately identified with that quote, it struck a chord with me, resonated with my energy field, whatever or however you may relate to that sort of thing – I was immediately present when I read it.

I just went through what was probably the most tumultuous two years in my life, I watched my parents and my husband’s mother die; two from cancer one from Alzheimer’s.  I watched my great-aunt and uncle both suffer strokes within months of each other and end up in a nursing home, one with limited sight and the other with limited mobility.  My great-aunt and uncle never had children so they think of me as their daughter and my kids as their grandkids.  Let’s just say it was two years of hell.

I have developed lots of wonderful defense mechanisms over my lifetime that have helped me survive initially real and then later perceived dangers. I have even named them, Martyr Bitch, Chicken Shit Escape Artist, and Pathetic Loser.  However, what I learned about the last two years is that when you are in the middle of a “shit storm” of suffering I had a choice. I could wrap myself in a cocoon of defense mechanisms and render myself totally useless or I would have to fully expose myself, spread my wings and feel the suffering, be fully present and aware so I could truly be with my dad, my stepmom and my mother-in-law as they were dying. It meant confronting many uncomfortable truths about myself and why I developed these defense mechanisms.  It meant being more aware of when I was falling back on these defense mechanisms. So the gift of those two years of suffering as Eckart Tolle so magnificently states, drove me deeper and loosened the grip of my identification with form.  My ego was no longer sitting shotgun, it was very unceremoniously moved to the backseat.

I have always been a wimp when it comes to suffering if I had an experience where I experienced the slightest discomfort I would make sure I avoided that kind of experience again so I could avoid feeling bad. I know I am not alone here, that’s why there is so much addiction today. People who drink too much or abuse drugs are engaged in the same avoidance of suffering or pain.

The only problem with that thinking is that suffering and discomfort is a natural completely normal part of life so as I was going around avoiding what I identified as; bad things, bad people, and bad experiences I was short-changing my life.  I was not living authentically, I was not being me.  I couldn’t be the real me if my thoughts were telling me to avoid situations where I imagined I would cause someone else to do or say something that I would be uncomfortable with, so I felt the best way to handle my illusion or imagined response was to keep my mouth shut, avoid it, say nothing.  WRONG.  Now I am not saying go around and bait others and create discord by blurting every single thought that pops in your head, but what I was doing is just as bad as people who do say everything that pops into their head and manifests chaos around them.

So very recently I found my voice, and sometimes, not all, but sometimes, what I have to say people do not like to hear.  However, I am happy to report even in those instances an amazing thing happened, I said what I believed and when others did not like what I said, I was not annihilated.  Wow, amazing what a concept, I can be real and still survive on this planet.  Not only that, I can thrive, and the chaos I thought it would create in my life has not manifested.  When I do speak my truth my intent is to say it with loving kindness.  I am not always as successful and I would hope to be with this intent but I am a work in progress.  I have also found this quote from a nineteenth-century guru Sai Baba to be very helpful to stay in integrity with my intent:

“Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?”

While we view suffering as an abomination and no one looks forward to suffering nor do we typically seek suffering, suffering is part of the human experience.  We should learn to see it for what it is, part of the natural process, and rather than repel from it, learn from it go deeper. Suffering has given me this great gift of transparency and from transparency I am able to witness my thoughts rather than be a slave to them.

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt” – Thomas Merton

A Year Later……

I’m still wobbly but I’ve got it dad!

It was one year ago today that my dad’s soul was released from his cancer ravaged body.  One year ago today I said my final goodbye to the man who taught me so many of the really important things in this life; like how to ride a bike, and when you fall you dust yourself off and get back on that bike.  How it isn’t easy at first and your really wobbly but the more you practice the easier it gets and you gain confidence.  Soon the riding becomes so easy you don’t even think about it.  Well dad my confidence with navigating the rest of my days without you is not as wobbly as it was a year ago, but I can’t say it will ever be so easy that I don’t think about it.

I have heard the saying what a difference a year makes, and in my case that is so true.  The landscape of my life has changed dramatically in the last year.  When my dad died he was the last parent in our nucleus family, my kid’s last surviving grandparent. There is something profoundly alienating when you realize you are now at the pinnacle of the living family tree.  It is comforting to see all those beautiful thriving branches below, but knowing there is no one to shelter me from up above is a new concept for me and one that I had not thought about at all until I found myself up here.

I can also say in many ways I am better off now than I was a year ago, the stress of watching the strongest man I know slowly succumb to cancer has washed away. I also decided to take a really good look at my life and find my voice to change the things that were not in support of my well-being.  That meant engaging in some drastic transformations in my personal and professional life.  I basically went on a stress busting overhaul.  At the same time almost without me being aware of it my support system has shifted and the results are profound, the people I have in my circle are these amazing polishing cloths that wipe the dust and layers off so my inner light shines brightly.

I am very sad that I cannot talk to my dad and ask his advice and hear his voice.  But I am blessed that I had this amazing person to guide me for the years we had together.  I always liked to run things past dad, while we were very different personalities we definitely had some similarities.  Procrastination being one of them, if it’s worth doing, its worth debating and confabulating repeatedly before taking action.  Our tendency for perfectionism also kept us from completing or initiating projects.  I also inherited dad’s “tolerance to a point” approach, although I have not refined mine as well as dad.  Meaning he would take a lot of crap before reacting.   Particularly ribbing from his younger brothers, and once his gullet was full he would react decisively with the most poetic comeuppance in response.  Some of these stories of dad’s reaction at the tipping point are part of our family legend.  I have also inherited his need to stay connected, particularly to keep the family connected.  Dad was the one who called everyone and kept everyone informed what the others were doing.  He would call me and tell me what my brother, who lives a mile from me, was up to, he would always tell me you need to touch base with him once in a while.  I am happy to report that my brother and I are very close and talk to each other almost everyday.

I couldn’t pay a proper tribute to my dad without sharing his penchant for stringing together the most interesting and entertaining chain of vulgar, scatological laced, heritage inferred diatribes when provoked.  This could be sparked by any number of things, it could be a television remote that was not working properly, it could be something related to politics, it could be a Ram’s game or the most likely place for this kind of display was when dad was playing golf, his beloved game.  We would always sit in amazement watching dad play golf he claimed to love the game but it would not appear that way when you played with him.  I remember playing with dad in California, I was certain he was going to have an aneurism, his language was particularly colorful that day.  My husband asked me if dad was having any fun.  The answer was, yes he was, and that particular day he shot his best game in over 5 years and beat his brother on a side bet.  Yet to the uninformed bystander they would have thought this guy was going to quit the game after that round!

Daddy I cannot thank you enough for all you have taught me, for all you have encouraged me to do, for the unconditional love and support you have given me.  You taught me about loyalty and integrity, you taught me to make the changes necessary to support my well-being.  Many years ago you made a change at the Sheriff’s department that meant taking a step back to support your happiness and I have done the same thing.  And most importantly you provided me with a robust vocabulary that most writers would envy, too bad this is a PG blog, because much of it is going to waste.

My daddy, he was somewhere between God and John Wayne.  ~Hank Williams, Jr.