Posted by itrustmyjourney
I have heard so many people tell me how horrible 2011 was and thank goodness it’s over. I actually heard it so many times from so many different people I began to parrot the same sentiment. “Yeah that was a horrible year, glad it’s over.”
However, at the back of my mind something felt so very wrong to malign the last year I spent with my dad and stepmother. I mean I know they suffered and died and I miss them terribly, but I also got to spend more time with them this last year than probably in the last 10 years put together. I didn’t quite understand what it was, that little twinge in my soul each time the issue was brought up, so I did what I always do with these little nudges I notice it and then moved on.
Recently I was listening to Deepak Chopra, a CD I have listened to before, while I was driving. For some reason I was ready to hear one small but very profound statement that I had heard many times before, but this time it hit me right between the eyes. The only way I can describe it is it felt like when I was trying to learn something and just not getting it, now because I am an engineer every example I am thinking of involves math or physics. So to keep the flow here just imagine a puzzle or game or language or problem of any kind and suddenly without any real explanation – you get it! It is so clear you can’t imagine that there ever was a time you didn’t. That’s how I felt. What was it he said? Get ready, here it is……and forgive me I am paraphrasing here because I was listening and not reading….. “To be perfect is to acknowledge both your positive and negative traits.”
I hear the sound of waaa waaa waaaa or thud. I am sure many of you reading this are going, what??? that’s it????? And by “that’s it” there are those that are saying, no kidding, welcome to enlightenment honey and others may be saying oh sweetheart bless your little heart, translation – “honey your off your rocker.”
I truly believe I could not hear what was being said before because I only liked to acknowledge the positive. I love laughing, I love having fun, I love being silly, and I love compassion. I despise pain, I despise suffering, I despise conflict, I despise bullying and I despise complaining. So after I experience something on the “I despise” list, I would convince myself well I will chart a new course from here on out and make sure I avoid that from now on. Some people deny, I avoid. The really crazy part is that I honestly believed I could somehow do that.
So every time I encountered more of the “I despise” list I would recoil, become depressed, or resort to my dear ol’ defense mechanism I like to call “chicken-shit escape artist.” Just escape, run, hide, avoid. So an interesting thing happened in 2011, a whole bunch of stuff on the “I despise” list happened and it wasn’t just one or two, it was a wave of tsunami proportions. And guess what? I couldn’t count on ol’ reliable chicken-shit escape artist, I had to stand there fully exposed and take on each wave as it smacked me in the face. There was no way I could allow my dad and Carol to face this alone, there was no way I could let my family down. Along the way I experienced so many blessings, more than I can possibly share here.
So I am knee-deep in the “I despises” and yet still experiencing joy, still experiencing blessings, still laughing. Amazing isn’t it? The year I lost my dad I grew the closest to him I have ever been. Do you see the yin yang? Do you see the negative and the positive? Do you see the awful and the beautiful? Do you see how it makes the whole? Do you see it’s perfection?
In one of my previous blogs I talked about yin yang and contradictions, I recognized it, honored it, respected it, but had not fully bought in. I bought the ticket and was all ready to go but really had not boarded the plane.
There is a buddhist saying – “Even if he is fond of quoting appropriate texts, the thoughtless man who does not put them into practice himself is like cowherd counting other people’s cows, not a partner in the Holy Life.” I have been that thoughtless man counting other’s cows and yet even so, I am, as you are, still perfect.