Happy Birthday Handsome!

When I was growing up it was my understanding that miracles were major inconceivable events.  Like raising the dead, turning water into wine, or feeding thousands with a few fish and loaves of bread.  I felt it was something only very special people got to experience.  After witnessing the birth of my children I began to realize that miracles happen every day and we all experience them. 

The holidays have been difficult this year, it’s of course about family and so much of our family is not with us this year, at least not in body, certainly in spirit they are with us.  So I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my mother-in-law Anne, my stepmother Carol and my dad Robert and sort of trying to make sense out of the last year.  I am not sure I can make sense out of it but what I did see as I was looking back is all the miracles we experienced, not the miracles I was hoping for, but still there were miracles. 

The miracle of having unconsciously created, through a series of unrelated decisions, a situation where I had the ability to take care of our family this year.  It reminds me somewhat of that intense movie Signs where the wife tells the husband all these things to pass on to their kids and his brother as she is dying, only to find out each of those things were needed at one specific time to help them survive when aliens invade.  I know a bizarre analogy but that’s the way my mind works and honestly I think it fits.

Over the last five years I have made decisions that some would find unorthodox and down right risky and they have led me here.  As I reflect on the foundation and framing that was put in place over the last five years that has given me the ability to not only give my family the care they needed, but also given me the time I need to grieve, I am astounded.  I am experiencing a miracle it’s the only explanation. 

The other miracle is my relationship with my higher power.  The only way I can explain it, is that I felt stripped down to my pure raw essence and at that point I felt closer to God than I ever have before.  I spend my dad’s last day on earth here in Illinois, I left his bedside in South Dakota knowing it would be the last time I would see him alive so I could be back here for my son’s birthday.  It was a gut wrenching decision.  I could get all wrapped up and analytical about what my decision was and why I made it, all I can say is that it was intense. 

And here is where the next miracle happened, I tried to call several people I think I made five or six calls every single call went to voice mail and one person who heard my voice mail responded with a text that they could not talk to me until the next day.  I was almost in a panic I needed someone to tell me I had made the right decision, to tell me everything was going to be ok, to convince me I was still a good daughter even though I left my dad’s side, but damn it there was no one, no one to take responsibility for me, to feel sorry for me, to take over my power.  Shit.  As I began to sob uncontrollably and completely freak out, I had an epiphany, I began talking to myself, “Marsia there is no one available because no one can do what you are asking, only you can, you can do this, trust yourself.”  I accepted I made the decision and I acknowledged that I trusted myself to make that decision.  There it was pure raw organic essence, I put down the nonsense, the ego, the defenses, and suddenly a complete calmness came over me, I am getting emotional just recalling the experience.  In that moment, it was the closest I have felt to God.

Later that day my brother called to tell me dad had passed.  I was grateful he was no longer in agony and I was sad, so very sad that I would not hear his voice again, but I can honestly say I did not feel regret for the decision to stay home with my family.  The next day we celebrated Myles’ 10th birthday as he bounded down the stairs and hopped up on his stool at the counter I said “Happy Birthday Handsome!” He said, “well mom you know one good thing about my birthday?” I said, ‘”what is that?”, he said “grandpa gets to be with grandma.”  It was all I could do to keep the tears of joy and raw emotion from flowing, witnessing yet another miracle, the miracle of a beautiful, pure heart.

About itrustmyjourney

My name is Marsia I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and engineer. I have been journeying for awhile and decided to created this blog as an extension of my journaling and really as my therapy. I call my blog I trust my journey because that mindset has been such a comfort for me. The landscape of my life has changed pretty dramatically over the past year. All this turbulence in my life has really given me the opportunity to recognize where I need to focus energy and truly understand my purpose here. My purpose is compassion and joy. If my words have inspired compassion or joy please share them with me dear reader.

Posted on December 13, 2011, in Spiritual Journey and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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