Embracing the contradictions of my life

Let's go snowming mom!!

So many things come to mind as I walk the halls of the Tulsa Cancer Treatment Center of America or as they call it here CTCA, but today I was thinking how odd it is that I love this place and at the same time I wish I wasn’t here.  I even catch myself and think oh my gosh I can’t love this place I don’t want to be here, but I am embracing being here.  It’s not like this is the first contradiction in my thinking I hate to see anyone get hurt that I am connected to in some way but I enjoy watching funniest home videos especially the videos where someone really gets knocked on their can, they strike me as the funniest.  What is up with that?!?!?

Dealing with cancer is such a contradiction too.  Cancer is serious business but humor is the best medicine to deal with it.  They even have humor therapy classes here, I mean really what is funnier than dealing with cancer?!?!?!?  Cancer is this alien invasion in your body that you put poison in your body to rid yourself of it, but it is still part of your body, a piece of you.  So you are to destroy part of yourself to survive.  How can you wrap your brain around that one.  Also how can you truly love yourself if you are trying to destroy part of yourself. 

I went through a stage where I said I hate cancer, I really despise that word and what it stands for, but I said it anyway.  I am amused by that contradiction I hate to say hate!  Then as with all the other contradictions I am now aware of, I was not comfortable with hating something associated with my dad even if it was something I didn’t want him to have.  It seemed disrespectful, unkind and unloving to him.  So now what do I do with these conflicted, contradictory feelings I have about cancer and specifically the cancer cells in my dad’s body.  They are part of him and I love him so I guess by proxy I love them too.  What in the hell does that mean, I have a love/hate relationship with cancer.  Again more contradictions. 

In Asian philosophy there is a concept called yin yang where opposites complete the whole, each rely on the other, order from chaos.  I understand cancers reliance on dad but what is dad’s reliance on cancer?  I don’t have the answer but just contemplating the question expands my horizon. 

I guess these contradictions or opposites further reinforce my belief that everything is just as it is supposed to be, it is neither good nor bad, it just is, complete as it is.  Rather than judging my experiences I can simply experience them, notice them for what they are, experiences.  I am trying to be aware, to be present, be authentic, be transparent, be compassionate, be grateful, just be.

About itrustmyjourney

My name is Marsia I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and engineer. I have been journeying for awhile and decided to created this blog as an extension of my journaling and really as my therapy. I call my blog I trust my journey because that mindset has been such a comfort for me. The landscape of my life has changed pretty dramatically over the past year. All this turbulence in my life has really given me the opportunity to recognize where I need to focus energy and truly understand my purpose here. My purpose is compassion and joy. If my words have inspired compassion or joy please share them with me dear reader.

Posted on August 28, 2011, in Cancer Journey and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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